Because I Loved You.

Looking at a picture of you in my head, wondering if I'll ever see you again. I know you broke my heart, but I want someone to love me the way you did. How can I break up the madness? Nothing makes sense, not anymore. Nothing is right, not when you're gone. I want someone to need me, like you did. I am shaking it off, shaking off all of my pain. If you just walked away, what could i really say? Would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel? I am the mess you chose the closet you cannot close the devil in you I suppose because the wounds never heal. Laughter is my addiction. When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part. When I cuddled next to you, I felt so safe. Now I feel safe cuddled up next to a friend? Why did you lie to me? If you really didn't love me, why did you say it? Then after we went our separate ways, why was I so vulnerable? Why did I let two more males into my life only to shatter it? I didn't want to get attached to them because I was afraid they'd be another you. When I did get attached to the first one, all I could think about was you. Then when he broke my heart the day before what could have been our one year dating anniversary, I run to that only friend that I feel safe cuddled up next to and all I can think of is you. Why? Because I loved you. Then when the second male broke my at the time prefectly mended heart, I ran back to that friend. Why did I run back to her? Because I know she won't hurt me on purpose. I know she won't ditch me for something less important. I know she'll take the time to encourage me. She won't lie to me. You weren't honest with me, why didn't you just tell me how you feel? I could go on, but I don't have anything else to say to you. You know what I look for in a man? A man that respects me. A guy that loves me for me. I want a guy that will be there for me in the hardest of times and a guy that will be there to rejoice with me in the good. A guy that won't bring me down lower than I already am. A guy that was so opposite from you. I ain't no princess, but I'd like to be treated like one. You treated me like royalty in the beginning and somewhere in the middle leading to the end, you treated me like crap. What ever happened to that gentleman? That Boy Scout in you is gone. I am tired of holding onto you, so I am letting you go. I will be strong. But you want to know that truth? I am scared. Is every guy like you? Hurtful? And to think I almost lost something I would never get back, to you! Thanks so much for everything. Why am I rambling on? It's all because I loved you.

Can I Go Back To Never Never Land?

First Ethics Assignment turned in. Senior Pictures taken. The thoughts of my future sure thought about. Have you ever just felt like flying away with Peter Pan and going to Never Never Land? I have thought of my future and it's a scary thing. Today it hit me, in exactly 6 months and 18 days, I will no longer be a minor. Really wanting to go back to Never Never Land. I was there until I turned 17. The second I turned 17, as I was being sung Happy Birthday at midnight by all of my friends at City on the Hill, I felt different. I felt less childish and something in my heart didn't feel the same. Now as I think about it, this time next year, I'll be in college. Okay can my brain turn like off now? Where's the on/off switch? Let me turn my brain off, so I can stop thinking. Ahh. Scary thoughts - go away!!

The Future.

So I wake up this morning and my mom mentions something about me getting my senior pictures taken on Thursday. Now I knew that the subject of senior pictures were going to arise soon because well I graduate in May and it's January. But it now has me thinking about my future. What am I going to do? My high school days are coming to an end...hmm. I am a little scared. College next year and a job. And still need to find time for a personal life. Well I would like to find time for it, all I know is that I am a little scared.

Forever Changed and Proud!

So I started my year out right, I went downtown and fed the homeless again today. And today there was a different approach than when I went in November. First off, I was probably one of the only teenagers there and second off I actually touched people lives. My mind was opened today. I passed out plates and silverware today and then the line was going somewhat slow and this guy starts yelling in my face and I looked at him, smiled, and handed him his plate and silverware while saying, "Happy New Year sir, here's everything you need." And continued on, my mind was racing from the reality check I had last night. Then while I was doing this everything hit me. We complain about the little things and those are the things these people are grateful for. We sit inside our warms houses at night and these people are out in the cold. The meal I am helping serve them maybe their last meal or maybe not. They don't know where their next meal is coming from yet we do. I was thanked probably around 100 times today and all I was thinking about was this reality check I got last night. I got pointed out in the crowd of volunteers today because this minister was surprised how I handled everything. Taking one step at a time and still smiling. Whether it's a fake smile or real, they really can't tell because they don't know me. All they really need to see is just a friendly smile.

Happy New Year?

Okay so I had the weridest New Years Eve ever. But I have to say, it was pretty life changing. From about 7pm to about 11:45pm, I was in the "arguement" with this amazing young lady that I barely even know. I thought my best friend was good at giving me a reality check, this girl gave me a reality check that I will never forget, to sum what she basically told me to do in two words, she told me to, grow up. Then as I am standing with a small bottle of sparkiling cider in my hand at midnight with my brother, sister, and sister's mom, I really started to take to thought about what this girl said. So my New Years Resolutions this year:

1.) To GROW UP!
2.) To graduate from high school.
3.) To go to college and start a new life.

Three simple and only ones I can think of right now. But growing up this year is definetly one of the big ones.

They Didn't Have To Do It.

I know someone who enlisted in the United States Army and it got me thinking about who he really is. Half boy and half man. Yes he's 19 years old, so he's legally considered an adult. The average age of the military man is 19 years. He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country. He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities. He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and a 155mm howitzer. He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because well he just graduated from boot camp. This wasn't his first choice, but it is what he's doing now. Yes he's not on the frontlines of Iraq, but his job is still important to our country. Every time I am around him now, I just want to get on my hands and knees and thank him. He didn't have to serve our country, but he is anyways. As we enter the year 2010, why don't we start thanking people that serve our country? The people who leave their loved ones, their friends and family, to be stationed in some place away from home. They don't have to do it, but they do anyway. The least we can do it thank them.

This Holiday Season.

Two days until Christmas and what's on my mind? School, school, and more school. Really? Can't I just get a break from all of this school maddness? I want to enjoy this holiday, not dread it. I mean we celebrate this holiday to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Why don't I want to celebrate it this year? Way too much on my mind. Graduation is just a little under five months away and all I can think about this holiday season, is school and stress. Forget about the boy I have been crushing on since I was 14 years old. Forget about the boy that I just started crushing on. This stress is way too much, it will be gone on May 21, 2010 as I am being handed my high school diploma.