The Change in Me.

So you might be wondering if you know me personally and see a little bit of a change in me, what the heck happened? Well let met tell you, please I really want to tell you. This past Monday, (January 25) I went to a Spiritual Gifts/Career seminar and in all honesty, I didn't want to go, but I knew it would have helped me in some degree, so I went anyway. Well the speaker taught pretty much everything I already knew about the topic because I already went through a series about spiritual gifts with my youth group sometime last year. So if you ask everyone that was there and around me at my table and the people who looked at me and heard me talk, I was a complete downer the whole time. Well when I got home, I started to think. I looked at who I was and then I thought about who I could be. For the first time in years, I didn't think about all the crap I'm going through. I didn't think about my future. I thought about who I can be, the person I really wanted to be. The person I wanted to be was, a person who didn't complain about much, didn't get mad at the little things, forgives and forgets, doesn't get offended about misunderstandings or criticism, the person I wanted to be was the person that my parents raised me to be. So then I started to think, well how can I be like that? How can I not complain about much? Well look at the positive side of things. How can I not get mad at the little things? Laugh at the little things. How do I forgive and forget? Just forgive the person and then basically erase it from your memory, don't think about it anymore. How do I not get offended about misunderstandings or criticism? Just smile and think about what they said and get over it! There comes a time in your life where it doesn't really matter, it shouldn't effect you. There comes a time in life where you just need to let your grasp loose a little from your childhood and do this thing called grow up! Yes even though the best adults are the ones who let their inner kid show, there's a time and place for everything. Then after I thought about everything I just said, it dawned on me, six months from now I'll be 18. I'll be making my own decisons. As scary is it maybe or sound, change is a good thing and change is what just what I need. So that's the change in me. I am happier now than I have been in years.

I Just Don't Understand.

So I was crusing around facebook and I read someone's status and it said that Valentine's day is 18 days away from today. Then I went to a friend of mine's friends page because I had commented on my friends status and she had commented under it and I accidently clicked on her page and her status read, something about how Valentine's day being 18 days away and wants to know why we have this holiday. Yeah I'd like to know that too. I guess it's just the fact that I actually went on a date last Valentine's day and then this guy shattered my heart several months later. I just don't understand why there's such thing as Valentine's day..it's a waste of a day in my opinion...

Changing Everyday.

You repeat yourself because you think I am not listening to a word your saying, but the truth is that I am holding onto every word you say with a tight grasp. You tell me that you just want the best for me, but yet you're not there to help guide me. You tell me to grow up, your childhood is over, but you don't tell me how to grow up, you expect me to do it by myself. You tell me that you basically have no faith in me and you think it affects me, but really it doesn't. You tell me that I disappointed you, is it to get a reaction? Because yes I am sorry, but I am not going to react to it because I don't want to give in. I tell you I am fine, I tell myself that I am fine, but that's only because I don't want to cry, I don't want to break. I am not the same kid as I was when you last saw me. I change on a daily basis. You tell me to tell you about me and I smile and tell you who I am today, but will I be the same person tomorrow? That is always an adventure. The one thing that won't change in me is my name, my birthday, and the basics. But when it comes to me physically, emotionally, mentally, and relationally, I am changing everyday. The person I was yesterday is slowly fading and the person I will be tomorrow is starting to show.

So Much On My Mind.

So I have way too much on my mind, they're separated in paragraphs:

I am going to start laughing when I feel like crying. Smiling when I feel like getting angry. It's time for me to loosen my grip on my childhood a bit and start to grow up. I'll chase my dreams until I catch them. Why? Well maybe because it's time to realize that it's time to grow up a little. Maybe the nightmares that I am having are because of that. Yeah I am having nightmares. I have been since the night I wrote the entry, 'A True Friend.' And the next morning I texted one of the three of my true friends and told her about it and she's graduating with me and this text message was so good I saved it. It said, "Well that's what dreams are, living our deepest hopes, fears, and desires, but not necessarily realistic ones. Take it from someone who used to have nightmares all the time, just because you dream it doesn't mean it'll come true." Even though these nightmares is like a story and progresses every night, it never occured to me until my friend said that.

You have recently found yourself in a tough spot and are trying to figure out who you are. You have so many dreams and goals but they just seem so far away right now. You may feel a bit alone, and that it's never going to get better, but deep down inside you have the strength to overcome anything. You are a strong confident person. You are very passionate about life and you chase dreams till you reach them. Sometimes the dreams don't work out the best but you take it as lesson learned, and keep climbing. Yeah that's pretty much everything going on. I have recently found myself in a tough spot, all I can think about is my future. All the dreams and goals I have do seem very far away. Yeah I do feel a bit alone right now and yeah I do feel like it's not getting any better. Yeah everything in that portion of the paragraph is correct. Maybe I'll just right a song and get over it too.

Everything makes me cry but I will never let you see that you did nor will I let myself cry. So in the words of a friend of mine: "Here's to the stars that fell senselessly & the wishes that could never come true. Here's to the heart that i broke when i chose to believe what i knew was to good to be you..." You tell me good luck because I am going to need it..what the heck does is that suppose to mean? Nevermind I don't want to know. That just means you don't have any faith in me. Which I don't want you to anyway.

I have way too much going on in my head. I can't take it anymore. I don't think my heart can take anymore heartache and I don't think my mind can take anymore thinking.

First Draft of my Graduation Speech.

So I wrote a speeech for graduation and well the one I turned in is a little different from this one, but I wanted to share it with you guys anyway:

Graduation Speech — May 21, 2010

Good evening, family, friends, acquaintances, and the Graduating Class of 2010. It is my honor to be speaking in front of you tonight. These past thirteen years were tough yet they were worthwhile. The people we have met and the friends we have made have all been pieces to the puzzle to make this journey special and it also makes it very hard to say good-bye to.
I unfortunately did not have the honor of being homeschooled all of my life. So like some, my school journey didn’t start in the living room of my home with my family there to lead and guide me, it started in the kindergarten play yard of Sequoia Elementary School. If I remember that day correctly, yes I was one of those kids who almost had a complete meltdown in the sandbox. I remember being so shy, so timid, and I remember not necessarily knowing about this whole school thing. Three years later, I was one of 66 students to reopen Mather Heights Elementary School. There again, I was so shy and so timid. Then upon being promoted in 2004, entering a whole new world. Starting middle school at Mitchell Middle School in Rancho Cordova wasn’t the easiest. After spending a year and a half there, my parents decided to home school me. Though my first experiences with being homeschooled was in the South Sutter Charter School program, God blessed me with teachers and a tutor that I’ll probably never forget. Then sophomore year, my family and I decided to settle down with this organization and I think it’s one of the best schooling decisions we’ve ever made. I’ve had an amazing education and have made so many friends that have helped me get through the last of my high school career.
So tonight as I stand here, I am reminded of everyone who helped me get this far. Guy Oshiro, Michelle Chick, Christopher Chick, and Connor Oshiro have been the most amazing family a person could ever ask for. My mother and stepfather ran their businesses and still had the time to home school me and my brother and my father even though he wasn’t there as much as he would have wanted to be because of his job down in Southern California, and my brother I can’t thank him enough for still loving me as his sister. I don’t think my family knows how much they mean to me and how much I look up to them. The rest of my family who is too big to mention, thanks for being here for me. Pastors Richard and Corrine Cardoza, the Souled Out Youth group, and the rest of The Lord’s Church, my extended family, they’ve been there for me from into the church for the first time nine and a half years ago. Pastors Richard and Corrine have been amazing pastors and have taught me well. The Souled Out Youth group, how can I say this without getting all teary-eyed? My brothers and my sisters, have been there with me through the hardest of times, have encouraged me, and yes even preached at me when I needed it. The rest of The Lord’s Church, there are too many of you name, but I can’t thank you guys enough. All those church meetings and gatherings, most of my greatest memories are with you guys. Breanna Channell Bryant, my best friend, we’ve been through almost everything together. We have had our share of arguments and we have had our share of good laughs. She was almost always there to give me a needed reality check. I cannot thank my best friend enough. There are so many people who I’d like to recognize and thank, but that’ll take me all night long, but there is one more person that I’d like to recognize. This person and I have not had it easy. It’s been a long two years, but we’ve both managed to of made it through alive and in one piece. Sandy Tellkamp has been more than just a ‘lady from our church that is living with us.’ She is family and even though I haven’t always been the most respectful person in the world to her and though we’ve had our share of late night arguments, I don’t know if she knows how much she means to me and how much I look up to her.
To my graduating class, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” This quote is really relevant to this occasion. You are probably thinking the same thing I’ve been thinking pretty much since freshman year, what I am going to do with my life? Sometimes we don’t need to know everything. All it takes is a baby step to get us to where we need to be. Let me leave you with this, up until now our parents made 99% of all of our decisions for our lives and now it’s really our turn to make our own decisions. As we step into our future and live it out, know that we all aren’t alone. It’ll be a long process, but in the end it’ll be just like this one, worthwhile. Thank you and good luck to my graduating class.

Beautifully Broken.

I was sitting in church tonight just like any other Sunday night, we had a special guest speaker and he was talking about joy and such and I was half there half not. Have you ever been wrapped up in a blanket so tight that you can't get out of it, well just imagen a imagenary blanket of fear being wrapped up so tightly around you that you end up crying at a rejoicing service. What am I afraid of? I don't know, my future maybe and how it changes like every day. I am so lost in my own world that I can't get out. I do not like this feeling. I am beautifully broken and I don't know why...

A True Friend.

You know those moments where you text a friend and you sometimes talk to them on the phone and they are the most encouraging person in the whole wide world? They have every single trait of a true friend and then you're with them and you can see it. I have three of those friends. All different ages, all younger than me, and all just absolutely amazing. Every single time that I am around them, I don't feel like that kid who is going through stuff, I feel like that kid who is on top of the world. They all encourage me in a way that I can't describe. I went to go see them in a play this evening, the play was amazing, they all did an amazing job. During this play all I can think of is how blessed I am to have all three of these girls as my friends. They have ever characteristic of a true friend. I can't describe it, all I can feel is just this amazing feeling on the inside of me, I can't describe that either. When you have friends that when you're around them and you can't describe how you feel and you'd do anything in the world for them and they'll do the same, you know that's a true friend.