Halie's Thoughts on the Change After Graduation and What She's Learned Recently.

This is a time in my life that I really don't want to forget. I am learning so much in so little time. Not just educationally, (if that's even a word) but I am learning stuff in life that really I am going to need in the real world. I am just about 5 months shy of becoming that one thing that scares me the absoulte most, I am 5 months shy of becoming an adult. And just in the past let's say five days, I've learned a whole lot. I have learned that sometimes you do need to cry and sometimes when you have this amazing feeling back in you that has been taken away from you for so long, sometimes you forget about the important things in life. The true happiness that's within you doesn't come by someone elses' actions of what they did or didn't do to you. Sometimes you need to say 'I love you.' to the ones your love because you never know when they can depart from this earth. Sometimes you can't just bottle your feelings inside you have to show them. Sometimes life will just pass you by and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you just need to be sad for some time to realize how happiness really is a good thing. Then there was this day where everything about humbling myself more came. The words 'To humble yourself more doesn't necessarily mean to think less of yourself, but to think of yourself less.' roared through my mind. Then when I started thinking about graduation, after graduation, and college. I thought about how my life will change when I step onto the college campus for the first time. "Everything's coming so fast." I told a friend of mine. "Yeah, but that's what senior year's all about, right?" That was her response to me, I know I chose this road. But sometimes I feel like this road chose me. The stress is totally worth it, the lack of sleep, the loads of caffinee, totally worth it too. But when I just want to just relax, I don't know how. I just need to figure things out for myself. I am done with people telling my in their own opinion, how I should rule my life. I am so beyond done. I respect their opinion and I am honored that they want to help me out. But shoving it into my face and telling me more than once is what's pushing me over. It's uh my life right? Then why can't I plan it out? Everything is going way too fast. I just want to know where I'll be 10 years from now, that would be amazing. That would help me plan it all out. I know where I WANT to be in 10 years, but where do I NEED to be 10 years from now. Where I WANT to be and where I NEED to be may be in TWO COMPLETELY different places. Can things just make sense for once? I don't want to complain, I am told I am not like any other kid my age. Yes I a kid who reads the Wall Street Journal, Sacramento Bee, and any other business article while drinking a cup of coffee or tea. Yes I am werid, leave me alone about it. I rather stick out for being me then stick in for being someone else.

Blessed: Even when I don't feel like it.

If you are reading this, you are blessed. If you have a roof over your head, you are blessed. If you have clean clothes on your back daily, you are blessed. If you have a warm bed to sleep in every night, you are blessed. If you have a shower that pours out warm water every time you get into it, you are blessed. If you have food on the table every single day, you are definetly blessed. 25,000 kids under the age of 5 years old, will die today mostly because of hunger and other preventible causes. How do I know that? Well my youth group and I are going to do a 30 Hour Famine and that's what the student guide said. We complain about the little things and they have nothing. We are blessed even when we don't feel like it.

My True Prince Charming.

Here's to a relationship that will never be mended, here's to a heart that you tore apart, here's to a new me because of you I never could have been who I should be. I am letting you go now, not because I am scared, but because I hurt so badly, that I can't take the pain anymore. 365 days ago, I was wrapped in your arms, 365 days ago, you would whisper so softly in my ear the words, 'I love you baby," and now I can't stand those four little words, 365 days ago you said you'd do anything for me, you wouldn't leave my side. Then you leave, you change, you don't love me anymore, I am no longer your baby. Nothing made sense. Nothing was right. I held onto you for too long and you've managed to move on. Now it's my turn. 365 days ago, I was your baby. 365 days ago, I was wrapped in your arms. But what got me to that point? To be wrapped in your arms? I hid my deepest of feelings from you in the beginning because of my experiences. Then when I finally did show some of those deep feelings, you were too afraid to wrap me in your arms. All I wanted you to do is hold me, not rip my heart out. 365 days ago, I was yours, now as I wait for my true prince charming, I wait knowing that he will scoop me off my feet and hold me and never let me go. But until that day, I care less for any other guy. Until the day of my engagment to the day of my wedding, I will wait with patience knowing that my true prince charming is on his way. My true prince charming will be far better than you.

Pack It Up and Leave.

Who are you to tell me that I am not beautiful? Who are you to tell me that I was an accident? Who are you to fill my head with all these lies? Who are you to tell me that my sanity's gone? Who are you to tell me that I've lost all my patience? Who are you to tell me that I have no joy? Who are you to tell me that I am underpar? Who are you to tell me everything you've told me in the past? Who are you anyway? Why you're my low self esteem and my high insecurity. But I never invited you into my life, I've put up with you for way too long. I should have kicked you out when you came into my life. Well I've put up with you longer than I should have, so now I am not asking you, I'm telling you, I'll tell you the first time nicely and if you don't listen, I'll tell you the second time, not so nicely. Here it goes for the first time, pack your bags and leave now. You're still there? For the second and last time, pack your bags and leave, and never come back. I've let you linger for way too long. You've brought in this depression. This eating disorder. These thoughts of killing myself. No longer. No longer will I let you stay. Pack it up and leave. You don't belong here. You can't be here. You aren't suppose to be here. Pack it up and leave. Don't come back. Take everything with you. I am no longer putting up with you. I will laugh at the little things. Get up when I fall. I will not be everything you said I'll be. Those days are over and you need to pack your things and leave.

No Longer.

The lies that you filled my head with for the longest time, you will not fill them with that any longer. There's a fine line between ignorance and stupidity and for the longest time you had me over the line of ignorance, but now that I know the truth I refuse to cross the line of stupidity. How long did you expect me to believe your lies? Just pour me out onto the pavement and then try to fill me up again. My question now is are you really who you say you are? I gave you every part of me without knowing that I was doing so. You trapped me, you suffocated me, you blinded me, you brain washed me. Did you ever think that I might had something to say? You told me that I was useless, you told me that you I was far from beautiful, you told me that this world is better off without me, you told me that I was an accident, but really you were just trying to get me to not believe the truth. I had friends who told me opposite from what you told me. I had friends talking against what you were telling me. But did I listen? No because I was blinded from the truth, I listened to you over them. Why would I do that? Who was louder? You or them? You are a liar because I am not useless and even though I can't really see it, I am beautiful and this world is not better off without me and I am sure not an accident. Why would you lie to me? Why would you tell me these things? I know I still have some things to work out, but no longer. Those nights where I should have cried, but didn't I regret. The night that I lied in bed staring at the ceiling and had the hugest headache of my life (last night) and said, "I shouldn't hide my feelings any longer." and cried not only because my head hurt so bad, but I realized that nothing made sense anymore, that nothing is right when I listened to this side of me that told me everything against what was the truth. I realized that I no longer had to live that way. No longer am I listening to those thoughts. I shook off all of the pain and my broken heart started mending again. Even though it was all I had, I wanted to break up the madness.

Forever Is A Long Time.

They say that I am a product of a somewhat broken home. Mom and dad, they still together? No, but that's not going to stop me from following my dreams, anymore. I used to let it get in the way, saying well I'll end up just like my parents. I once was afraid. Forever is a long time. I am the person that I really don't want to be. But I am afraid of change. I don't want to be torn to pieces. Forever is a long time. Why do you say until I do to until death do you part, if you leave before the death? Forever is a long time. I don't want to hold onto this any longer. Sorry that I am not so enthusiastic about this whole love thing, but I am not really thirlled about this Valentines day thing. Why do we need to have a holiday for love when you should love all year long? Do you really understand my point? Forever is a really long time. I know I keep saying that, but do you understand? No? FOREVER IS A LONG TIME!!!! There you go I yelled it. I am getting irratated. The wedding vow says until death do you part. I am seeing way too many bail outs. I am being a poster child for a friend of mine because her dad's bailing. She looks at me, sees my dad not really there in my life, and sees that I have it all under control. Only because I don't want to break, I don't want people seeing the side of me that will cause sympathy. I don't want people to say, "Oh poor Halie." ANYMORE!! I just want to make it through life. Forever is a long time. Please just grasp that concept for me.

Lost Generation.

People say that I live in a lost generation and that there's no way out. That as time goes on the young people of the generation today will not care about who they are. There once was a day that it was so hard to find what is now called a broken home because in the vow until death do you part actually meant something. Now it's so hard to find a household that is not considered broken. I know this because I am one of those people that are considered a product of a broken home. Yeah it is hard. Yeah it sucks. No there is something I can do about it. I can reverse the "curse" that people say is on me. When and if I get married, I'll be with my husband until death do you part. When and if I have children, I will make absoulte sure that they aren't products of a broken home. If I can live in what they call a lost generation and can change it, I will make it even better for my children.

My inspration:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKzxV0QLhRo