Goodbye High School.

Tomorrow evening at Sun River Church, I graduate with 32 other amazing people. I was sitting in my internship this afternoon, thinking about my last blog post as a high school student. And this is what I've come up with:

13 years ago, when I started to take a walk in this journey, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't necessarily know what it was about. I've come a long way since I stepped into that kindergarten school yard. I remember being so shy, so timid. I remember almost having a complete meltdown in the sandbox. Just a few short weeks ago, I took another good look at that particular school yard. I was there picking my brother up from some Boy Scout event. I was choked up, knowing that that very well may be the last time I looked at that school yard. Right now as I type this entry, I am wearing my cap. This very well is my last blog post as a high school student.

Soo...


Goodbye high school, hello college! A whole new world ahead of me. Am I ready? If not I have a summer to get ready.

My Life Recently.

I recently took a look around. At my life mainly. It feels like yesterday I was in kindergarten and today I am looking at less than three weeks left of high school. I sat at my senior breakfast this morning. We were all going around telling each other our names, where we were born, what our plans are for next year, and what we thought of cheese. Now I thought this little introduction part was pretty lame, if you want us to get to know each other, let us do it on our own and not have to tell the people that we're graduating with what our thoughts on cheese are. Anyway that's not necessarily my point. My point is that everything seems to either be falling apart or flashing by me in an instant. I've tried my best not to complain because really I don't necessarily think that you guys wanted me to complain about how bad I think my life is.. which I didn't think it was bad, I just think that it could be better. No one told me that it was going to be this hard. I know I would have wasted your breath at the time, but really I would sure believe you now. I recently took a good look at the things going on in my life. I've got a lot going for me. I am excited to see what God has in store for me.

No Longer Dead, Now Recharged.

I walked into my church late Friday afternoon, I looked around there were about 25 people that I didn't know, the Souled Out Youth Group (my youth group) hosted a church from Redwood City. Let's make a long story short, I walked into Arco Arena so dead spiritually, so dead emotionally, and pretty much so dead phyisically. Nothing made sense to me before this weekend. I was so dead tired and so dead like a cell phone when it hits its after effect of low battery. This weekend I was recharged in a way I can't describe. I spent like a half an hour or so with a bunch of junior and senior in high school and college aged students. We were told that it's time to be relentless and live for God even after high school. Then Acquire the Fire was extended for the Souled Out Youth Group. One of our youth leaders and his wife (who really after this weekend, I consider a youth leader) got the oppertunity to have the Worship team of Acquire the Fire crash at their house, they lead our rejoicing service tonight. Now that my vocal chords are shot, I'm ready to finish high school. I am no longer dead, I am now recharged.

Acquire the Fire.

There was a different feeling about tonight. A better feeling that I expected. It's an amazing sound hearing probably over 1,000 teenagers screaming and singing. It all started at 4:30pm this afternoon. I drove to the church to get some driving hours in even though it was a 90 second drive. Ariving at the church to eat dinner. Then off to Arco Arena for a pretty intense night. Praise and Worship was amazing. Then after worship was a little sermon entitled 'Smitten with Love' After that was a drama that one of the main characters I could relate with one of the main characters. As a lot of you know I've been struggling with anger for a very long time. Well this main character had a lot of anger in him and I well did. This main character got a girl pregnant and he had his whole career ahead of him. He was just flat anger. Now I am not pregnant lets get that straight, but I have been struggiling with anger with personal issues. Like my father leaving. Tonight after the drama, the main speaker Joel Johnson called an altar call to everyone that was struggling with anger, guilt, hopelessness, etc. Me and two other girls went down with two of the women leaders went down. While not leaving the steps because thats how many people went down. I am standing there with Karen Kenney's arm around me and she is playing with my hair a little bit. It was an amazing encounter and even after getting lost in the parking lot after the show, tomorrow will be worth it. Now heading back to the church, eating a little and then sleeping. Tomorrow will be an amazing and life changing day.

The Art of Change.

There comes a time in life where everyone just needs to figure things out on their own. Where their whole world crashes down around them and other people are trying to help them, but it doesn't necessarily work out in their favor. When life throws lemons at you and you're doing the best you can to make lemonade, but the lemons don't seem ripe enough, don't seem good enough to use. There comes a time in life where tests and trials come your way and you're trying to figure things out, but nothing seems to work out. I'm a teenager, so I've been around the sun a few times. The one thing that I've is when everything falls a part, when everything gets put back together, it seems stronger. You get in an argument with someone, you make eminence with them, that relationship seems different, but things are stronger. I look at it like this, sometimes things need to fall a part to make things better and stronger. Sometimes you need to be the one to make things change in life. I have heard the line from my pastor and I am going to take just the first part of it because it's going to be where I am going with it, "People don't change unless they hurt enough where they need too..." This is true. Sometimes people don't realize how much they need to change unless they hurt bad enough that they know they need too because no one likes to be in pain. I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're famous, I don't care what your orientation is, I don't care what your job occupation is, I don't care what your skin color is, I don't care what you've been through or what your life story is, nobody likes pain. I was recently looking at my first blog post on here. At the time, I had just recently broke up with my ex Boy Scout Boyfriend and I remember being so heartbroken. But it had to be done and I hurt so bad I had to change. I think back on last summer and how much I've changed since then. The past year has been lifechanging and I am ready for some more change because for me that's the art of change.

God Puts Amazing People In Our Lives For Different Amazing Reasons. Part Four.

***Part Four***

Have you ever actually took a real good look at the church you go to? For the last three services at my church I have. Sunday morning I walked into church with a type of additude that I didn't know if I really belonged at the church I am at. As Praise and Worship continued, I just looked around the church and as the service went on it was more amazing than I realized. Then Sunday night during our normal 2010 Sunday night rejoicing services, I took another look. Then last night, I took another look and all three times this is what I saw:

I am blessed with the pastors that I have. I am blessed with the church family I have. I am blessed with the youth group I am in and the youth band that I am on. I can look around this church and say, "Yup this is my church and I am proud of it." I left last night knowing that I belonged and that this is where God wanted me to be in this time and season. God put this amazing church in my life for different amazing reasons. So far these are the reasons I've come up with:

1. They are there for me to encourage and uplift me in the rough times.
2. They make my family bigger because they are my family.
3. They always tell me what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear.
and so much more and as I grow more the list just keeps getting longer.

I am blessed because I have an amazing church that is always there for me.

God Puts Amazing People In Our Lives For Different Amazing Reasons. Part 3.

**Note this is Part THREE, you don't have to but I recomend you reading the first two postings about this.**

I know it's been a couple of weeks, but I wanted to weigh it out a little. So here it is:

At the end of January I went to this Career/Spiritual gifts seminar and met this girl. Now I thought we would never meet again. I thought we would lose contact and maybe on a slim chance meet again randomly. Well her mom took some pictures at this seminar and this girl put them up on her facebook. I commented on it thinking it was the guy who tagged me in it's photo. Then when I realize that it wasn't, I sent a friend request her way. I didn't lose contact with her and it was a God-send friend. Talk about barely knowing me, but reading about all the shtuff going down in my life. Of course I always return the favor and listen to her as well. God puts people like this in your life for a reason and though when we met I talked to her for like 5 seconds. There's a reason God put her in my life.

God puts amazing people in our lives for different amazing reasons, even when we don't deserve it because I really don't deserve all these amazing people in my life. But they are here for a reason.

God Puts Amazing People in Our Lives for Different Amazing Reasons. Part 2.

******Note this is the second part of my thoughts on this so if you haven't read part one, go back an entry to read it.*******

That song, "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real, is a song that can somewhat describe what's going on in the inside of me. Going back to my quote that started all of this:

God puts amazing people in our lives for different amazing reasons.

After that last entry I got to thinking, I got to thinking about how much life is going to change in the next few months. I got to thinking on how blessed I am to have amazing parents who have given me an amazing high school education and that's where I am headed with this entry. I am going to do a few more entries on this and each time it will be a different amazing person. The first entry was about the couple I babysit for and their family and in this entry it's about my parents.

I have a somewhat unique parental sittuation. My biological parents are divorced and my mom is remarried. I have two dads and a mom. (That's NOT including everyone who has adopted me, we'll get to that in one of these entries) My father and mother who are divorced are like the best of friends, it's like they were never married, but they have me and my younger brother so yeah they were. Like this whole seris if you want to call it that is based around the line, "God puts amazing people in your life for different amazing reasons." Even though I can't always see it, God put these three parents in my life for different amazing reasons. Here I'll break it down for you in three sections:

My mother:
My mother and I have a different kind of relationship. I'll admit it isn't the best, but it is better than a lot of mother-daughter relationships now. But I know if I didn't have the mother that I have today, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. Yes it is difficult, but I love her. She has given me an education that is far more amazing than what I was getting before being homeschooled. Though she is seeing her only daughter grow up and is having to let loose of her grasp just a little bit on the having to know what I am doing at all times like usual part of her. It's a transition time between me and her. Because the child me is all she is used to, heck! That's all I am used too.

My stepdad:

Well it's not an awkward relationship, not a werid relationship, but not necessarily a normal relationship. Yes we have our good share of laughs, but we've also have had our good share of arguments. But I can never open up to him completely, I never understood that until now. I guess I just don't want to open up to him completely and then watch him leave. Though he wouldn't soo... but we have a semi-normal relationship. But he's an amzing stepdad as much as it's hard to admit it sometimes.

My father:
Though my father lives in SoCal (Southern California) he's still my father and he still an amazing one at that. He's an amazing father and I am glad I can call him mine. There's not much I can say. We don't have the best relationship, but that's in the works. I just need to swallow my pride and talk to him about the divorce. Though it didn't happen to more or because of me I was still affected by it. So it's time to have a relationship with my daddy.

God Puts Amazing People in Our Lives for Different Amazing Reasons. Part 1.

I babysit this family. It's like they are the cutest family ever. They'd do anything for me and I'd pretty much do anything for them and then today as I was just cruising around facebook this came to me:

God puts amazing people in our lives for different amazing reasons.


Like for example this family. I started babysitting them in November of 2008. At the time the ages of the children were, 6, 4, and 2. I was quite an adventure and I remember after putting the kids to bed that first time I babysat them I just vedged on the couch until the parents got home. I remember going home that night and lying in bed thinking, I want to get to know this family in a deeper way. This past Thursday I had the perfect oppertunity and I took that oppertunity and ran with it. My folks were having our house carpets cleaned and my brother's bedroom carpets were in desperate need of them so all of his bed stuff was in my room. I was frustraited and didn't want to come home from volunteering at my church to wet carpets and a disorganized room. So I called this lady up and asked if I can escape from my insanity and hang out with her and she said yes. So I did. Well I had the hugest headache of my entire life that night. She nicely wrapped her arms around me and was comforting me in a way I wish I was comforted on a regular basis. Then today as I was stressed out completely, I took a moment to think about that night where she just wrapped her arms around me and how much of an impact she has made on my life in the past year. I mean anyone who can sit and listen to my crap, give me a little advice, and still love me, they deserve more than a thank you. Which at the moment I can't think of more than a thank you but she deserves it. She was a mother to her own children and as they were lying in their beds getting some shut-eye, she turned to me and as I was half asleep on their couch, she loved on me as much as she could pretty much like she'd love on her own children. I love this lady so much, she's like an aunt to me. I don't know if she realizes how much she means to me. Like the aunt I've always wanted.

All It Takes is A Walk Down Memory Lane.

Senior year, no one ever told me it would be stressful, tiring, long, and emotional. Yes at the time I probably wouldn't have believe you and you would've wasted pure breath, but does it count now that I believe you? Does it count that now all I want to do is just cuddle up next to someone because I am way stressed? Does it count that now I know what it's going to be like for me in college? Does it count? All I want to do is escape from this stress, all I want to do is just look at myself in the mirror and actually say a positive comment about myself. How hard can that be? I am positive about everything else now in life, but when I look at myself, I can't say something positive. Hmm yeah, I am working on that. All it takes is a walk down memory lane. Just blasting my mp3 player and walking down the halls of my old elementary school. Though the whole time I am thinking to myself, "Why am I leaving all of this behind me?" It's hard to believe that I am a high school senior and all it takes to calm me down is either a walk down memory lane or a day with a lady who in the past year has impacted my life. Tell me, is it supposed to be like this? I over-think things WAY too much.

Once Again: My Eyes were Open.

I was woken from a deep sleep at 2am this morning from a friend who this girl had just broken up with him and the text message read, "I gave you my heart, so you could tear it apart. I've held onto you for too long, I guess it's time to move on." Now this text message was not meant for me. I guess the girl and I have the same name, but obviously mines spelled different. So I quickly text him back and say, "Dude first of all you texted the wrong person and second of all it's 2am GO TO BED!" And of course I got the, "Oh dude Halie, sorry about that one." Then after I didn't reply back because I didn't want to start a conversation with him at 2am, I started to think, "I gave you my heart, so you could tear it apart. I've held onto you for too long, I guess it's time to move on." That's kind of deep. Like deeper than deep, but I know this guys heart. I know that he was just completely heart broken and there was nothing I could do about it. But that was deep to the point of I still am thinking about it. I mean I know it's just a girl that he probably won't be thinking of this time next week, but my eyes have been open in a way that is hard to explain. Like lately, I have been hiding my feelings and emotion a lot more. A few nights ago I shot up at 3am and then whispered, "You're pathetic Halie." The when I lied back down I thought, "Wow what a way to let yourself insecurity show Halie." Then I realized that you know, growing up doesn't mean you can't show feeling, it just means your older and have more responsibilities. So I started to cry like hard, but really silently because I didn't want to wake anybody in the house up. I got out of my bed and moved to the this chair in my room. Once I was all done crying, I felt really good. So this is where I am getting at here. Sometimes crying really is a good thing because sometimes you just really need to let it all out. Sometimes that you don't realize how much happiness is such a good thing and that sometimes you don't know how truly happy you are until your sad for just a short time. I still don't like crying especially in front of anyone, with the exception of a few people. But really you can't hold your feelings in forever. So what I learned from that was growing up doesn't necessarily mean you won't have feelings, it just means you'll have a better graps of the feelings you have.

The Big Change: The Start of New Beginnings and Endings.

Things have been changing around here. Big changes and somewhat werid and scary changes. It's senior year and I am trying to break up the madness. I know for sure where I am going to school next year and I am pretty stoked. I know for sure how I am going to get there. But how I am paying for it ... yeah that's the kicker. I understand why my parents wouldn't want to. It's my college career. I am hiding the fact that I am stressed and then at night I go into the privacy of my own room with my dog and just cry. I told myself that I will not hold my feelings in any longer, but I hate crying in general. It's been a hard road, I will not lie. I am down to two semi-easy classes left. History and health. History will be done by the end of this month and health will be done by the end of April. That means the whole month of May, is a month of new beginnings and endings. A beginning of preperation for college. A beginning of a little bit more freedom. An ending of a huge chapter of my life and the beginning of a new one. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's also a lot scarier than I thought it would be. As I sigh to watch high school end, I smile and shake for the whole new chapter in my life. Here's to new beginnings and old endings.

My Abba Father, Daddy God, My Savior, My Everything.

There's way too much going on inside my head. My mindset was somewhat broken last night and as I type this entry out it's still kind of breaking. If you've read my blog before you notice that there's quite a few layout changes, well expect more to come because there's a change in side of me that I can't hide. The things that of come to me in the last let's say 14 hours:
You don't realize how amazing God is until He comes to you with open arms and says, I am your Daddy now. Let me explain. I was sitting in church last night and it was pretty much an altar service. Then my pastor preaches a little bit and then he starts praying for people. Well I knew I had to go up and get prayed for, but my stubbornness took hold of me and that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do, go up and get prayed for. So I finally gave in and went up to get prayed for and well I am glad I did. As I am having hands laid on me I heard one of my pastors lay their hands on me and I started seeing a waterfall and a river. Then I saw me with what looked like my high school diploma in my hand and then I gently put it down and started to walk into this river or lake or whatever it was and then I wasn't getting wet in this pond of water. Then I saw a man who looked like what could of been Jesus, so I start running to him, and normally it's hard to run in water, this was easy to run in, and as I got closer to this man I literally jumped into His arms. And He started to hold and carry me and then next thing I knew it was flashed to me as a frustrated college student in a college classroom and then I felt a hand on my back, well I thought it was an usher or one of my pastors so I quickly looked back, but it wasn't, it was God trying to tell me, that He is there for me even when I am frustrated and no one else wants to be there for me. Then I fell down to the ground and I felt like the Lord was telling me, "I've been here waiting so patiently. I was waiting for you to come to Me, I wasn't going to come to you. I was there when you were in a dark room at night crying. I was there. I was there when you felt like you were worthless. I was there. I was there when you felt like you couldn't do anything right and you couldn't make a name for yourself. I was there. I was waiting for you to just come to Me and jump into My arms and for you to let Me love on you. I was there. I am your Daddy. I have waited so patiently for so long. I wanted you to let me in."

What God told me isn't just for me, I wanted to share it here because maybe this speaks to you. Maybe I am not the only one out there struggling. Maybe this could help you. God Bless You.

Musician and Songwriter I am.

It was only yesterday. Check it out:

www.myspace.com/halieoshiro

Just Come To Me.

Where are you now? When I need you the most. Where are you now? I need someone to lead me, to guide me. Where are you now? I need to be wrapped up in someone's arms. Where are you now? I need someone to love me. Where are you now? I can't see you around. You were supposed to be here for me, but where are you now? You left and not a word from you. You stole my heart, where are you now? Who do I run to now? Where are you now? Give me something. Where are you now?
Then I hear something in me saying, I am here when you need someone to talk to and when you need someone the most. I am hear to lead and guide you. I am here to wrap my loving arms around you. I am here to love on you. I am standing right here in front of you. Run to me, my arms are open because I am here for you. I will steal your heart and give you peace. I will give you hope. I will give you strength. I am here, I will give you all you need. Just give me your heart. Just give me your mind. Just give me your soul. I am here. I am your Savior. Your Prince of Peace. Your Lord of Lords. Your King of Kings. I am Your EVERYTHING!! I am Your Heavanly Father. Just come to Me. I am here for you more than you know.

Halie's Thoughts on the Change After Graduation and What She's Learned Recently.

This is a time in my life that I really don't want to forget. I am learning so much in so little time. Not just educationally, (if that's even a word) but I am learning stuff in life that really I am going to need in the real world. I am just about 5 months shy of becoming that one thing that scares me the absoulte most, I am 5 months shy of becoming an adult. And just in the past let's say five days, I've learned a whole lot. I have learned that sometimes you do need to cry and sometimes when you have this amazing feeling back in you that has been taken away from you for so long, sometimes you forget about the important things in life. The true happiness that's within you doesn't come by someone elses' actions of what they did or didn't do to you. Sometimes you need to say 'I love you.' to the ones your love because you never know when they can depart from this earth. Sometimes you can't just bottle your feelings inside you have to show them. Sometimes life will just pass you by and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you just need to be sad for some time to realize how happiness really is a good thing. Then there was this day where everything about humbling myself more came. The words 'To humble yourself more doesn't necessarily mean to think less of yourself, but to think of yourself less.' roared through my mind. Then when I started thinking about graduation, after graduation, and college. I thought about how my life will change when I step onto the college campus for the first time. "Everything's coming so fast." I told a friend of mine. "Yeah, but that's what senior year's all about, right?" That was her response to me, I know I chose this road. But sometimes I feel like this road chose me. The stress is totally worth it, the lack of sleep, the loads of caffinee, totally worth it too. But when I just want to just relax, I don't know how. I just need to figure things out for myself. I am done with people telling my in their own opinion, how I should rule my life. I am so beyond done. I respect their opinion and I am honored that they want to help me out. But shoving it into my face and telling me more than once is what's pushing me over. It's uh my life right? Then why can't I plan it out? Everything is going way too fast. I just want to know where I'll be 10 years from now, that would be amazing. That would help me plan it all out. I know where I WANT to be in 10 years, but where do I NEED to be 10 years from now. Where I WANT to be and where I NEED to be may be in TWO COMPLETELY different places. Can things just make sense for once? I don't want to complain, I am told I am not like any other kid my age. Yes I a kid who reads the Wall Street Journal, Sacramento Bee, and any other business article while drinking a cup of coffee or tea. Yes I am werid, leave me alone about it. I rather stick out for being me then stick in for being someone else.

Blessed: Even when I don't feel like it.

If you are reading this, you are blessed. If you have a roof over your head, you are blessed. If you have clean clothes on your back daily, you are blessed. If you have a warm bed to sleep in every night, you are blessed. If you have a shower that pours out warm water every time you get into it, you are blessed. If you have food on the table every single day, you are definetly blessed. 25,000 kids under the age of 5 years old, will die today mostly because of hunger and other preventible causes. How do I know that? Well my youth group and I are going to do a 30 Hour Famine and that's what the student guide said. We complain about the little things and they have nothing. We are blessed even when we don't feel like it.

My True Prince Charming.

Here's to a relationship that will never be mended, here's to a heart that you tore apart, here's to a new me because of you I never could have been who I should be. I am letting you go now, not because I am scared, but because I hurt so badly, that I can't take the pain anymore. 365 days ago, I was wrapped in your arms, 365 days ago, you would whisper so softly in my ear the words, 'I love you baby," and now I can't stand those four little words, 365 days ago you said you'd do anything for me, you wouldn't leave my side. Then you leave, you change, you don't love me anymore, I am no longer your baby. Nothing made sense. Nothing was right. I held onto you for too long and you've managed to move on. Now it's my turn. 365 days ago, I was your baby. 365 days ago, I was wrapped in your arms. But what got me to that point? To be wrapped in your arms? I hid my deepest of feelings from you in the beginning because of my experiences. Then when I finally did show some of those deep feelings, you were too afraid to wrap me in your arms. All I wanted you to do is hold me, not rip my heart out. 365 days ago, I was yours, now as I wait for my true prince charming, I wait knowing that he will scoop me off my feet and hold me and never let me go. But until that day, I care less for any other guy. Until the day of my engagment to the day of my wedding, I will wait with patience knowing that my true prince charming is on his way. My true prince charming will be far better than you.

Pack It Up and Leave.

Who are you to tell me that I am not beautiful? Who are you to tell me that I was an accident? Who are you to fill my head with all these lies? Who are you to tell me that my sanity's gone? Who are you to tell me that I've lost all my patience? Who are you to tell me that I have no joy? Who are you to tell me that I am underpar? Who are you to tell me everything you've told me in the past? Who are you anyway? Why you're my low self esteem and my high insecurity. But I never invited you into my life, I've put up with you for way too long. I should have kicked you out when you came into my life. Well I've put up with you longer than I should have, so now I am not asking you, I'm telling you, I'll tell you the first time nicely and if you don't listen, I'll tell you the second time, not so nicely. Here it goes for the first time, pack your bags and leave now. You're still there? For the second and last time, pack your bags and leave, and never come back. I've let you linger for way too long. You've brought in this depression. This eating disorder. These thoughts of killing myself. No longer. No longer will I let you stay. Pack it up and leave. You don't belong here. You can't be here. You aren't suppose to be here. Pack it up and leave. Don't come back. Take everything with you. I am no longer putting up with you. I will laugh at the little things. Get up when I fall. I will not be everything you said I'll be. Those days are over and you need to pack your things and leave.

No Longer.

The lies that you filled my head with for the longest time, you will not fill them with that any longer. There's a fine line between ignorance and stupidity and for the longest time you had me over the line of ignorance, but now that I know the truth I refuse to cross the line of stupidity. How long did you expect me to believe your lies? Just pour me out onto the pavement and then try to fill me up again. My question now is are you really who you say you are? I gave you every part of me without knowing that I was doing so. You trapped me, you suffocated me, you blinded me, you brain washed me. Did you ever think that I might had something to say? You told me that I was useless, you told me that you I was far from beautiful, you told me that this world is better off without me, you told me that I was an accident, but really you were just trying to get me to not believe the truth. I had friends who told me opposite from what you told me. I had friends talking against what you were telling me. But did I listen? No because I was blinded from the truth, I listened to you over them. Why would I do that? Who was louder? You or them? You are a liar because I am not useless and even though I can't really see it, I am beautiful and this world is not better off without me and I am sure not an accident. Why would you lie to me? Why would you tell me these things? I know I still have some things to work out, but no longer. Those nights where I should have cried, but didn't I regret. The night that I lied in bed staring at the ceiling and had the hugest headache of my life (last night) and said, "I shouldn't hide my feelings any longer." and cried not only because my head hurt so bad, but I realized that nothing made sense anymore, that nothing is right when I listened to this side of me that told me everything against what was the truth. I realized that I no longer had to live that way. No longer am I listening to those thoughts. I shook off all of the pain and my broken heart started mending again. Even though it was all I had, I wanted to break up the madness.